Translucently.

{image captured from our backyard right after a severe thunderstorm}

 In search of the epic, I have failed. The cliche and continual pursuit of the "like" button bereaves me. I am finding the more I pursue my word of the year, the more I find myself obscure.  Perplexed for a spell, I have felt a sadness for the pep rally of empty bleachers and unused megaphones.  I have lamented over the basketfuls of unspoken for party favors and the unclaimed cupcakes of me still freshly made and waiting.

But, then real & good decided to set in. They brought all that was needed to make this yearly commitment to myself worthy.  They offered me the gift freedom. Unaccounted for in all ways that matter not; present in all ways that matter most.  I shied away from the words on screen and dealt with the words of my heart.  I simply unplugged and underachieved in the world of accountability to the stranger who reads.

I've still kept my journals and posts.  I just found myself at peace with but one set of eyes looking them over.  Privacy has been a fit I have most enjoyed wearing.  For climbing inside myself has been beautiful & perplex. My thoughts-turned-words have deemed themselves precious.  My mind took the notion to wind around who I am and why I do.  My time at rest was really what it should be.  The rat race of me is slowly under construction.  And, it feels good.

As I creep slowly back into this space, I do so with hesitation.  Part fear & part fret of giving justice to just what my words mean to me exists within.  Their worth along with the images they are entrusted to hold a validity in my heart.  Their place in this world is not mandatory; their place in my life most definitely is.

So, see through me.
Obtain my image, but not my form.
For the details of each of us really are the real & the good.
My soul seeks it.


.mac :)

{divulge}

Look at me.  I'm in an overcoat and it's all cinched up.  You realize I know what's going through your mind. Clairvoyance and me are twisted sisters.  Where on Earth did she find that coat?  There ain't no telling what get up she's got on up under there.  How does Eli keep a straight face when he photographs his Mama every month?  Does Goodwill realize she could be like the blonde Target girl in the Christmas commercials from 2011 for their company?  She's is for real that out there.  I mean does she really get obsessive amounts of joy from good deals and donuts.  Scratch the donut part.  I said that. Not you. 

February was my month to divulge.  If you sit long enough on that 7 letter display, it can leave you feeling sneaky.  At least it did me when I sat down to decide my words of each month for 2013.  I hemmed and hawed over February.  My gut said, "Divulge is your word. It fits."  But, my social innards said, "Fool, what are you doing?  You know they already think you're a fruit loop for these monthly parades already."  I let them internally hash it out for a bit, and then, like The Rock, I decided to lay the smack down on good ole social innards.  My girl, Clairvoyance, tells me street-like and all the time,  "Haters gonna hate. Go on and do your thing. I'm out ahead of you, remember? I got you, Boo."

So, I'm divulging.

For those all new to this monthly-merry-round, go here to read about my new word for 2013. It'll be all the cliff notes you need.  Then you can go ahead and skip on over here to read about my word for January.  And, if you're feeling totally inspired and ready to shop Goodwill and completely up for re-vamping your life in a real kinda way bored and need some more things to divert your attention from the pile of work on your desk, the heaping dishes climbing out of your sink or that huge project you are excessively behind on, then by all means, go here to read all about my 2012.  

You've already scrolled down to see what's under my coat, haven't you?  Clairvoyance tells me all her secrets. Told you we were tight.  Consider yourself buh-usted.  Divulge means to make known.  I loved that in my dictionary it has this in parentheses (private or sensitive information). How many of us keep our own set of parentheses nearby and handy for the yucky parts of our lives?  Guilty.  I told you she tells me everything.

I give you my story board mission for February:

Romans 12:2---Game changer.  Clairvoyance tells me all the time. Your score card is in His hands.  Remember that.  My place & my face on this globe is for getting out the glory of Him.  Giving it in doses large.  And, moving out of my own way when my sour gets the best of me.  The mind is a powerful place.  Lots of room to let ugly set up camp if you aren't careful.  The camp counselors at Ugly Camp have dreadful uniforms, too.  They wear horns and carry pitch forks.  Poof.  BE GONE.  I am His.  Game changer.

Dump---I suck at a lot of things.  I am good at some too.  This month I chose to focus on not letting the not-so-nice parts of me control who I am.  I am noticing that the more I focus on what I can't do well, the more my heart holds unhappiness.  Moreover, the more my mind suffocates the goodness that I do possess.  And, before you know it, I am captive to myself.  Stuck in my own muck.  I'm wallering in it and completely coated in nothing hopeful, helpful or positive for myself or others.  February was my month to dump it.  Dump out the honesty of my yucky in so to speak. So, here I go. I'm flippin' the script on divulge.  I'm taking that sneaky connotation and knocking it down with the out & out truth.  Consider my parentheses exposed:

(                                                                             )

• I am my biggest enemy.
• I wrestle far too much with perfection.
• I struggle with rest both inside and out.
• I am stubborn with change.
• I steal happiness from myself.
• I second guess excessively.
• I say sorry way too much and for unnecessary things.
• I struggle with being confident in conflicts.
• I am not a great listener.

There.  I dumped it to all 4 of you who read me.  And, better yet, I dumped it to God. He reads me by the way. And, He is rocking my socks off.  He slammed this doozy that follows into my prayer time this month out of no where:  

Your attitude exudes you eternally, Meg.  Your body will wrinkle.  Your health may fail.  Your circumstances will fluctuate. You will develop chin hairs that you must pluck incessantly. Your Mom did die. Your boobs will sag. Your money will come and go. Your children will grow up and move away.  But, your attitude is eternal.  In every phase of life.  With every circumstance.  Your attitude is your constant.  

BAM.  

Camp Ugly is now closed for renovations.  

Expect---good things.  Change comes about when we put our foot down on the fickle of us.  It's that deciding moment when we just stop the excuses of I can't exercise or I don't pray as much as I should or I can't save money like I need to or I wish I had more friends, but I don't or I want to be happy, but I'm just not.  We stop them.  All of the excuses.  We take stock in what our heart really desires, and then formulate a plan for change that best fits the goal. The solutions are never found if they're never really sought after, are they? The work put in has been uphill for me as I have begun this expectation shift.  But, without a doubt, I am seeing the good things.  My dumping along with my expecting is one helluva tag team combo slowly moving me towards a much needed mind makeover.  Fickle is easy.  It's safe & snug all surrounded with excuses.  Writing down my specific ever-excuses (the ones I have made forever on the things I say I want to change) and tackling them with a clear action plan is working for me in big and evident ways.

Express---if I felt it, I said it.  Too often I sit on my heart.  I either do one of two things:  

1. I'm lazy and don't follow through on something tugging at me to share. 
2. I worry about putting myself out there too much and what people might think.  

I sent text messages, made phone calls, put cards in the mail, looked people in faces.  I did all of this to swim the upstream of my heart's inhibitions.  Laziness and fear are my proverbial what has she got on under that coat.

Allow---God in on it all.  Like for real this time.  I have ugly cried on His shoulder, remember?  I will do it again if needed, too.  This month I placed myself in the passenger seat.  I turned over the keys and just buckled up.  I asked specific and big things of Him for myself and others.  I expect His answers will come.  And, I am allowing Him to do great things in me and in those others, too.  For Him.  I love how gentle and open the word allow leaves me feeling.  I told all my tricky.  I divulged my deep.  I blurted out my busting-at-the-seams happy to Him, too. I am allowing him in on it all.

Accommodate---my schedule and my work flow.  My family needs me.  I need them.  It was time I looked at ways to hone in on making more of my days for the benefit of all involved.  My days started earlier and my time became more regimented this month.  Quitting times were enforced and set times for work, play and school were maximized.  I realized this month that little times reserved for let down can do wonders to your mindset.  By reconfiguring how our day ran from start to finish, I not only accommodated more efficient work, but I also intensified my joys.

My mannequin story board for February:

My morale:

Random notes of the above:  

I like nail color  A LOT.   I know every name of the Insanity workout video crew and I pretend we all high five after every workout.  Butterfinger Blondies are da bomb.  I'm a hippy at heart.  I've missed writing hand written notes.  My boys are best friends.  A new water cup is a treat.  So are K-May Apple Fritter Donuts.  Talking for hours on the phone to a friend you haven't spoken to in 18 years totally rocks.  Kids have it all figured out.  Good books make good moves in you.

I give you my morals from February:

Everything is better...

when you live outside the shadows of you.

One of the most profound things I read this month came from my 6 year old.  In his free write journal about the human body, he wrote this:

1 life. 

 1 body. 

 He "givs" it.  

One.  

Gift.  

Noted, Casey Face.

Thank you, boy.

A sprinkled assortment of the Goodwill markdowns I found this month:

Leather full length jacket:  $9.99 1/2 off weekend 

Ralph Lauren seersucker shirt for Eli:  $1.99 1/2 off weekend

Gap boyfriend jeans:  $2.25 1/2 off weekend

Cream leather jacket:  $4.99 1/2 off weekend

Old Navy jacket WITH TAGS: $2.25 1/2 off weekend

Ralph Lauren khakis for Eli:  $1.99 1/2 off weekend

Um, read'em and weep {please note original tags still on along with the original price}:

Yes, this happens:

How'd I do this month?

Ensemble statistics:

coat:  $9.99 GW

leggings:  $5.00 Wal-Mart

sweater:  Limited brand $2.25 GW

leopard print tank:  $.25 GW

scarf:  surprise gift from Kenny {made by one of his sweet office ladies at school}:  FREE

boots:  $20.00 going out of business sale in Chattanooga 2011.

TOTAL OUTFIT INVESTMENT:  $37. 49

And, your thoughts, please?

Sneaky?  

Heck no.  

Seriously honest and ready for her best yet?

You bet. 

Gotta scoot.  

Me and my homegirl, Clair, are full-on looking into the crystal ball March of me.  She and I are becoming just so close.  I've even given her a nickname.  Clarity.  Twisted sisters for life.  

.mac :)

{saturate}

She wore tangerine tights?  Yes.  A far cry from an itsy bitsy tiny weeny yellow polka dot bikini I know.  It's winter and I was on a mission to color block like a mad dog. Mission accomplished wouldn't you agree?  It's time.  Time to let out all of what I have hoopty cooped up on the inside of my meticulously categorized & ever efficient cerebral filing cabinet highly trafficked scratched on & circled around Steno Pad noggin notes.

The year is twenty-to-the-thirteen and I am aiming to be a connector.  Of joy.  Of growth.  Of reality.  Of tangerine tight wearing.  I need you to feel my need for speed if you haven't already. Go here to powder puff your nose in the ladies' room of me if you will.  Once you freshen up, I'll be waiting for you just outside.   Look for me.  I'll be the one wearing tangerine tights.

My word for January was {saturate}.  I love this word so very much.  It's definitively discerning if you ask me.  It leaves not a quandary one in the mind; it exemplifies 100%.  It's over the top and I like it. My start to a new year needed gusto and the word {saturate} said "Holla if you hear me, girl."  I resounded with a, "Loud & clear, Mamacita."

My mission for January is below.  I wanted to put together a January billboard so to speak.  You know, something to keep me focused.  The pleated skirt-megaphone carrying-bloomer wearing combination of this layout below did just this for me this month.  It reminded me time and again of my whys and my wheres and my what fors too.

* GIVE IT OUT.

Love is free.  It's not hard.  It will never be taxed.  It spreads like wildfire.  So why in the hell would I want to keep it in?  I do more often than I care to admit.  Way too many times am I guilty of snobbery to the ones I love.  I  get so sucked into the sarlacc of tunnel vision that I neglect to hand out my heart tickets.  And, you know they expire like Cinderella's glass slippers and glitter get up at the stroke of midnight every night?  Yep, they do. And, you can't get them back either.  This is how I chose to look at my January.  I looked at each day with an opportunity to hand out the tickets from my heart good for that day only.  That analogy did wonders.  I prayed every morning that I hand out as many as I possibly could to whom ever crossed my path.  Guess what?  I giggled more.  I found funny in myself.  I saw my boys in a more joyful light.  My Kenny was missed even more the times he was away at work.  By giving the free in my heart away, my ticker racked up in return.

* CONSIDER THE COST.

Faith is all up on me right now.  It's like God's just called a timeout and changed from a 2-3 zone to a man-to-man.  And, Faith? Well, she's guarding me.  I am praying for Him to shake me in greater ways.  And, He is.  I want to find balance more in my life.  I am praying more specifically about this.  I am asking Him to give me the wisdom to know when and to know how.  I want to work smarter for k.Mac.  My hours can't be forever & a day and all the time.  I am one.  I want my work to be joyful and to be exceptional and to be anticipated.  To me & to my clients.  I want to know when it is time to head to bed and call it a day or when it's past due for a little R&R time for me.  I am a worker bee by nature. Like, I seriously have issues with work and all.the.time.  My internal is off kilter when it comes to quitting time.  I am seeking Him to help me.  He is.  My days and nights are taking on a more fluid shape with regards to timing.  My down time is fueling me more for the quality of work I want to have behind my brand.  The cost of overworked is more work.  The rested are ready & reminded of the joy & passion behind what they choose to do.

* FACE IT.

There are things that bring you down.  Things you want to be different but are out of your hands entirely.  Things that no matter what you do, you find yourself in the exact same spot.  It is frustrating and disheartening for the overachiever in me.  And, that's just it.  I don't have to overachieve with these things.  I can't spew rainbows from my mouth over & again and expect a different outcome.  What can I do?  I can be me.  I can remind myself that we all have those wishfuls that just aren't there.  Maybe one day they will be. Maybe not.  Chasing down these dark hearted hangovers leaves you with an empty bottle of Tylenol and reeking breath.  Stop it.


* DELETE DRAMA.

Out of thread?  Get more.  Just made the trip. Cussing and stomping loudly followed by an overwhelming pity party.  Deal with it and do it again.  Forgot milk?  Stomp your feet and throw a big fat hissy in the parking lot.  Suck it up and go back in and get it.  Worried about the boys? Lay up all night and talk to forty gajillion people for their advice. Think realistically about their health, progress and happiness.  Pray for wisdom and guidance.  Give your best.  Have to pay a late fine for your electric bill?  Moan and groan over it to the point of ridiculous.  Pay it.  Many of my energies are spent out on wasted issues.  Less drama for this mama and more problem solving and priority setting is needed.  The boys need to see efficiency from me.  They need to see a human too.  The grace practiced  in mistake makings is powerful. For all.

* SINK INTO THAT SMILE.

I have one you know.  And, my parents were even awesome enough to give me braces.  It's one of Kenny's favorite things about me.  There's lots to smile about too.  Smiling is free.  It creates an energy that sends warmth. I pearled it up this month.  Yes, I did.  I concentrated on my smile and who needed it. Who deserved it.  How it felt to give it.  And, the feelings on the inside that created these corners up. Genius lies in what God gives you for free.  The more I sank down into that smile of mine and what it stood for, the more it seemed I held my shoulders back.  The more ready my hands were to help or to hold. Freely, I sunk.  More in love with Him.  More in love with me.  

* CHANGE THE GAME.

I don't brush my teeth but once a day.  There. I said it.  BUT, it's a whole new ball game thanks to January's {saturate}.  I took this month to get down and dirty in certain areas of my life.  I now have 41 days under my belt as a morning and nighttime teeth brusher thankyouverymuch.  I also apply moisturizer to my face twice daily.  I have read one book.  Yep.  Count it.  I am working on my nightly routine of reading before bed with that coach of mine.  Kenny, the boys and I have started a nightly family devotion. It is precious time reading God's word with our two.  They are quizzical and immersed in our times each night.  God's preparing 2 new students for His glory I do believe.  I have begun a bible study on Wednesday nights about raising boys.  Kenny is attending one on finances for our family.  And, the boys have joined AWANA.  I'm exercising differently.  Running 3-4 times a week and interchanging the runs with core strength training.  Our homeschool routine is different as well.  The boys and I have a more regimented schedule of elapsed learning time so to better use my afternoon time for design work and sewing.  Kenny and I also ventured into the world of the iPhone.  It was a splurge for us, but one we budgeted and are completely enjoying too might I add.  An overall change of the game has amped me up.  I am loving the newness and turnover of good that has come from some simple shifts, decisions and work towards new habits & routines.  

Below are what I like to call the morals of  my January's {saturate}:

Below are some examples of my morale boosts for January:

Gap brand navy blue/white pinstripe oxford:  $1.25 GW

New Boundaries brand gray vest:  $1.00 GW

Limited brand denim pencil skirt:  $1.50 GW

Ann Klein brand tights (IN THE PACKAGE STILL):  $.25 GW

scarf:  $.25 GW

gray suede booties:  FREE (gift)

TOTAL COST OF ENSEMBLE:  $4.25

* GW = Goodwill

I'm gonna pop some tags. Only got twenty dollars in my pocket.

                                         -Macklemore

A sprinkling of my favorite January Goodwill finds:

Ann Taylor brand jacket:  $3.25

Gray and black pinstriped Fedora:  $1.25

Ann Taylor brand charcoal gray linen pants:  $1.99

Lerner New York brand punky greenish yellow gathered sleeved sweater:  $1.25

Carhart overalls for Eli:  $3.25

My January Grade Card:

Let me hear you now:

Color blocking like a mad dog,

.mac :)

{connect}

New.  Have you ever thought about it?  The word.  Have you ever just stopped and recounted how new makes you feel?  Think about when you get new shoes.  New pencils.  A new hair color/cut.  What about a new toothbrush or a new phone even?  There's excitement there.  The anticipation of what will be.  It's that newfangled onset of something just a little bit different and what it holds for you.  Last year I went on a mission.  I chose a word in which to set my 2012 focus.  That word was rhythm. I looked for it.  I longed for it.  I pushed for it.  In those down dark definitives of my heart, in what I said, in how I operated, in the way that I lived and how I loved.  I successfully documented my 2012 pursuit of rhythm.  You can read about it here in my month-by-month breakdown. 2012 felt different to me.  I felt ownership over my God given 365.  Somehow the focus of what I wanted to be made my months take on a personality.  Each of the 12 became a memory with marked hopes of focus & fails.  Simply put, my reach for rhythm shaped me into a someone better.  Honest. Hopeful.  Happier.  Headed somewhere.  

So begins the celebration of 2013.  I say celebration because I long to live like I want to.  I want to live like life is a celebration of breaths.  It's a gift.  It's not a curse.  It's opportunity not a grudge to get through.  Life, on many levels sucks don't get me wrong.  {Thanks, Lucifer.}.  But, bottom line, I don't want my days alone in a recliner when I'm 85 and in constant search of my top set of dentures to be filled with regret that I didn't make the most of who God wanted me to be.  I'm not talking about traveling the world or taking trips of grandeur.  For most of us out there, that's not real.  The common community we all live in is our minds.  It is there where mountains can be climbed.  Sights can be seen.  And, life can unfold in a new direction without a dime in your pocket to spare.  

My word for 2013 is {connect}.  I've already begun my seek-n-find with this word and have some reporting to do for my month #1 too.  I am continually amazed at the heart of His hands.  God's placement in my life is right.on.the.money.  It's like the more I give of myself to Him the more treasures of growth and getuponitgirl He gives to me. His empty cupped hands reach out every morning and say, "Give it.  All of it.  Every doubt.  Every dread.  Every 'I can't'.  Give it over to me.  Now, get out there and get your MY shine on." 

Connect means to bring together.  I am so thankful for my laundry list of ways that I can improve my connections.  Potential is new like no other.  My logo above is to remind me of His new mercies, moreover His promise.  Arrows are what my mind immediately thought of when contemplating the word connect.  I began playing around with the arrow image to create a reminder for me for this new year.  The larger arrows pointed out are symbolic to my connections with the world.  I loved that when positioning these arrows, I found they created a cross. {He rocks every.single.time.} My heart naturally needed to be the center of that cross.  My heart is His as I am His child.  I added the smaller arrows inward to remind me that when I choose to connect with my heart outward, I allow His joy and journey for me to fill my heart even more.  For better or for worse, He is in the heart growing business.

I'm documenting my 12 month progress a little differently than last year.  I mean it's only fitting that I  change it up this year in honor of the gift of new that 2013 brings.

I am utilizing one of my social networking skills to enhance my year long commitment to {connect}.

Below you will find my personal billboard for 2013:

Connect is such a balanced word to the eye.  I love the double n in the dead center of the word.  It makes me feel strong.  The "c" and "t" on the end give off a vivacious vibe of personality & flair.  Kinda like life should be.  Adventurous.  Flirty.  Fun.  But, the "e" and the "c" on the tail of this word is where my heart focuses most. That letter combo has rhythm written all over it.  Holla if you hear me, God.  My mind rests at those 2 letters.  It is no coincidence; those are my boys' name initials.  See?  God does not leave out the details.  {He rocks every.single.time.} 

When you say it.  CONNECT.  It's sprawls out so that you can hear every single letter. Like a Brio train, each letter magnets up to the next to bring forth the sound.  I'm gonna do that.  This year.  I am bringing forth the sound of every letter of my life.  Each area will be heard.  Some sounds may come out off key, but I am anxious to hear them nonetheless.  January has already been a blast with my hunt for connections.

Each month I'm documenting in this space.  I'm never on time with presentation.  I aim to be, but my blood runs high octane Casey way more than Cobble in the area of punctuality.  I'm working on that.  Remember, this space is for honesty not perfectedy.  

I will be reporting my month recap using some fun eye candy this year.  Below are the following areas you will see on my monthly grade card. I'll leave you with the anticipation on what these will entail for now.  In celebration of my 2nd year of pursuing a better me, I wanted to have some fun with documenting my work.  Doing the deeds to be better takes just that: work.  Documenting that work deserves celebration even if my month didn't grade out like I had hoped.  

I'm connecting with you too.  In my attempts to carry out my 2013 goal, I plan to have more polls on my blog.  These are simple to answer with just the click of a button.  Answers are anonymous, so you can rest easy your honesty is protected.  I hope to be able to hear more from my readers with this tool.  I realize commenting on blogposts is becoming more a thing of the past.  By no means do I write to receive feedback.  I write because I love to let out what is in.  But polling is just a teensy way I can better commit to my 2013 journey to connect.  

Finally, I leave you with me.  My promise to be better.  My hopes for a heart that turns over the crusty soil in 2013 so to cultivate better connections with the who He wants me to be.  

In the the words of my husband...

"If you're waiting on me, your backing up."

Let's do this.

.mac :)